esprit et coeur

2006-01-13T04:53:00.000-08:00

this is my graduation picture....

Riding in Cars with Boys...

2006-01-08T03:20:00.000-08:00

I started dating 3 months before I turned 18 and disappointingly, my first date became my first boyfriend. I couldn’t help it. I was still young and overwhelmed. I grew up in a small city where everybody knows everybody. There were only two kinds of guys back in high school. Those reserved for the raving beauties and those who are intimidated by smart kid like me. Well, even if they aren’t, I was not really interested in going out with guys who utter sentences such as ‘It’s raining, aren’t they?’

So getting into UP was a whole different experience. Finally, I was free to go out as much as I want. And yes, even though my mom would not allow me to date until I was 19, I really didn’t think it would matter if they don’t find out.

Yes, I’m a self- confessed serial dater now. I believe it’s some kind of addiction but how did it all start? Let me first give a brief introduction of my guy history. Guy #1 as I’ve said was my first real date and after three months of going out, we decided to make the relationship official. Unfortunately, we broke up only after four months and I was left hurt and disillusioned. Guy #2 came into the picture just days after the breakup. I agreed to one movie date but it was so awkward that I decided at that moment that it wouldn’t work between the two of us. I really liked him but it was not enough to build a relationship. Besides, my wounds were still fresh from my past relationship and I was not ready to go into another sea of conflicts. That was what I thought. Guy #3 and I met 2weeks after the breakup. Only after two days of meeting me, he was already professing undying love for me. After only a month, we became an item and we went steady for ten months. I was already 19 when I broke up with him. And even though only 2 years have passed since I had my first experience in dealing with guys, I believe that those two years have taught me a whole lot of things. I was not the Catholic- conservative girl anymore who thinks that kissing is only for married couples. After learning that my 2nd boyfriend whom I trusted so much was fooling around with other girls, I left him and promised myself to forget him and have fun. And this is when my addiction began. I went out on a date the very next day after we broke up wanting to prove to myself that that there was really nothing wrong with me and that losing him was not important.

Where and how did I get my dates? It started when a friend set me up with one of his officemates. From then on, my friends started setting me up on blind dates. I was a girl one would consider date- able. Not drop- dead gorgeous but reasonably pretty, very friendly, talkative and open- minded. I started saying yes to every invite I got. I even went as far as having EB’s with boys I’ve met (and carefully screened) on the Internet. In three months, I’ve already dated around six different guys, several of whom went out with me twice or thrice. I suddenly got tired and took back a repentant boyfriend, only to find out later that it was the Christmas season’s spirit of forgiveness that made me take him back and not rekindled love and trust. I broke up with him again (for good) after two months and where did that send me? Back to the dating pool, of course!

To date, I’ve dated more than 40 guys. And that, I believe is a lot for a girl of 19 who started dating at 18 and had a steady boyfriend most of the time—and that’s only counting those I remember, ranging from the extremely romantic t the devastatingly horrible. Take the guy (in an EB) who said hi, shook my hand, talked to me for five minutes then sped off, or the one who told me he’s 25 when he actually looked 40. But then, there were also those extremely dreamy guys who greet me with a bouquet of pink roses and of course, how could I forget those few occasions when I willingly uncrossed my legs when I cant resist those washboard abs any longer.
But no matter how icky the last date seemed to be, I never stopped. I was addicted to seeking the smell of romance. I was very much enjoying the chase and the ‘getting to know you’ routine that I never even considered stopping. My addiction also varies. There was a time when I dated only guys from other schools, only atenistas or only those who have cars. At one point, my room mate Mida called it ‘riding in cars with boys’ coz a different car would pick me up or take me home every night. I always had to wear the perfect outfit and paste that winner smile on my face in the hopes to snag off that probable Mr. Right.

More often than not, Mr. Right never shows up. And it came to a point when I wondered if there was really such thing. In between papers and exams (I’m graduating this October), theater rehearsals, marketing calls and committee meetings, I squeeze in my dates, which I believe is my therapy for all the stress that UP is giving me. There was even a point when night of the week was booked for my so-called boylets. Monday movie with Paulo, Tuesday drive with Alfred, Dinner with Jon on Wednesday night, late- Thursday night Starbucks with Fur and yosi break with Wils on Friday before meeting up with Luis whom I met on mIrc a week ago. It was exhausting and terribly confusing but I was enjoying every minute of it. Some guys were demanding a serious relationship, others just playing around and some just wanting to get into my pants. It was sometimes awful but being a ‘people person’ I bear it all just for the sake of meeting and discovering how different guys think and behave. I believe that my inquisitive mind coupled with my 18 units in anthropology make me want to learn and explore different guy behavior. It’s interesting, really. And of course, since I’m majoring in economics, I believe hat I’m lucky because the supply of guys now is actually insufficient for the present demand and I should be thankful because I am able to maximize my utility and I am never short of decent guys to go out with whenever I’m itching to go out.

My mom would probably lock me up when she finds out. My roommates are used to my going home late and my friends really do applaud me for being able to handle it all. They know that I’m not out of things to do. I am active in 3 UP orgs and I have friends everywhere who take up most of my time, and let’s add acads to that list. Still, I make time for my dates. My friends believe I’m cool coz I manage to play the dating game with ease. Yes, I am having fun and enjoying being single. I’m not expecting to meet Mr. Right anymore. I now know that you can’t possibly meet your prince charming on mIrc or on a blind date. But still, every time I go out with a guy, I send up a short prayer & ask Him to make this guy finally be The One. Now, I’m looking forward to my date with this new guy... Yes, third date, and based from experience, it’s when things start to work out or go wrong. I just hope that things will lean on the working out more… and who knows? He might just be The One…

April 30, Wednesday, 2:21 amEdited: July 24, 2003, 3pm

Something Wonderful...

2006-01-08T02:35:00.000-08:00

Today is my ex-boyfriend’s 22nd birthday and I remember that just last year, I was happily celebrating it with him. Being an only child, and with his dad gone, I was kind of fortunate to have him for myself that day. Now I can’t help but smile at the deadline we set. I had only till 7pm that July 13 to be able to make that day special before he runs off to meet his mom for dinner. We were so much in love. I took great pains to make sure that his birthday would be one for the books. We were both laughing and crying, and with 8 months of committed bliss between us, we foolishly thought that we’d be celebrating a lifetime of birthdays together. And now, one year has passed. I’m just here sitting alone in our home in Angeles, waiting for my uncle to drive us back home to Manila. No, I’m not going to meet him. I haven’t even sent a simple text yet to greet him happy birthday. I know he’s still in love with me and there are still traces of the love I felt for him then in my heart but no matter how hard I convince myself, I know that being couple just won’t do well anymore. It’s pretty easy to just come back to him. At least I know him well and I’d be sure that he’d love me no matter what. Of course, this is where the big BUT comes in: BUT I won’t be happy, BUT I don’t trust him anymore… BUT it’s not what I want.
Just five minutes ago, I rang my new boyfriend and told him I missed him and got a blunt ‘I’m busy’ response. Then I realized that things not meant for you just don’t last. And no matter how much you make things work, it just won’t happen. You just have to brace yourself and accept things rather than entertain the hurt that would come anyway.

It happens, I swear. I thought then that these kinds of things only happen in soap operas. I actually thought that Shan Tsai’s life was too complicated to be true but when I stop a while and ponder, I realize that I’d probably earn millions if I sell my life story to any interested film outfit.

I realize that like other weirdo cynics, I also have my angst about life and how it sometimes sucks.Good thing my cheerful confident nature shows u when I need her. I suddenly wake up and realize how ridiculous my thoughts are turning into. I start to remind myself that I am should be thankful that I’m blessed with smarts to make me go through life’s challenges rather than wish to be filthy rich or drop dead gorgeous. I again remind myself that things may not work out now not because life sucks but because they have to give way to something wonderful meant to happen

Of course, I can’t help but envy those lovey- dovey couples singing mushy love songs to each other or that schoolmate who will be graduating summa cum laude. I do whatever I can to make things workout with whatever and whomever I’m occupied with at the moment. And I still do get desperate when things fail to go my way. Why can’t this be finally IT? But of course, it all goes down to repeating that everything does happen for a reason.

I’m young and I have a full life ahead of me. I’ll be meeting more people and go through a lot more things. Maybe it’s better to be patient. It’s natural for me to still want to be in control but I should know when things are better left alone. But this doesn’t mean that I’ll just lock up myself and wait for some miracle or an Angel Gabriel bringing me the good news. I’ll continue going out, make more boyfriends and enjoy my youth. Yes, I’m risking myself for more future heartbreaks but I know that the experience and the memories are worth every tear I shed along the way. And who knows (as cliché as it may sound!) … When I least expect it, maybe my very own Dao Mind Sz will come…

Jennyn Gueco/ July 13,2003